Pandemic Ponderings

In an effort to process these unprecedented times and hopefully process well, I thought I'd share a collection of my own thoughts and those I've found helpful in the recent days. Please share how you're processing too! There's been great discussion on my Instagram posts related to COVID-19 and I wanted to save them in a more permanent place, so here we are.   

On Friday, March 13 I wrote the following:

The world, or those who are able I should say, are hunkering down and hoping to ride out Coronavirus, which has been made considerably easier given that schools are now closed and many employees are being asked to stay home. Our Prime Minister's wife has just tested positive for it, which, for some reason, brought it all home for me.

Our living room is about to become our school room, gym, church, and work place. Part of me sees thrill in these changes and relishes an opportunity to stay home and hibernate and my family; like Christmas holidays Part II. 

But part of me is overwhelmed by the global panic, by the empty shelves I saw yesterday at a major grocery chain (just the toilet paper section, but what's next?), by the younger and younger people being diagnosed with a novel virus that we were told only affected elderly compromised immune systems, by all of it, really. I'm worried for my friends who work in healthcare and are on the front lines. I'm worried about the many times I've taken public transit this past week. I'm worried about those in our community who will run out of essentials. I'm worried about what social distancing will do for those with mental health concerns and for our economy. 

My church is studying Ecclesiastes right now and the timeliness is striking. This sermon series was planned eight months ago but lo, and behold, Coronavirus arrives at just the time were turning to God's word to remember that material things will not satisfy, that our earthly successes will not bring lasting joy, and that much of the things we turn to in this world for comfort are but a vapour. Smoke. Stockpiling toilet paper is smoke. The stock market rising and falling is smoke. That cancelled vacation is smoke. I don't say this lightly - we, too have lost savings in the market crash, and we may very well need to cancel our June trip.  But I need to remember that these things are not lasting joys. Maybe you need that reminder too?

Practically speaking, please don't forget to love your neighbour in this. Share instead of stockpile. Check in on those who are alone and vulnerable. And remember, perfect love casts out fear ♡

Today, Sunday, March 15, our church worshiped apart but together via a life-feed of our worship pastor leading praise and Brad expounding on Psalm 91. We were encouraged to watch the live fed service in small groups, so the kids and I tuned in with three others who live very close by. Afterwards, Brad led a Facebook live event and did Q&A for his sermon. As we watched dear soul after dear soul check in to the live event we were also treated to pictures of the dozens of other small groups worshiping alongside the live feed in their homes. It was truly so touching. When the event was over, my group opted for a few more songs a capella, just us seven. These are scary times, yet such sweet moments.

Below are other words that bolstered me this week in the unknown and anxious times. I hope they're as good to you as they were to me. 

Psalms or Headlines? That's the question and the choice laid out by Sarah Clarkson, a woman I've come to admire greatly. In this post she writes about picking up the pieces after a home invasion during the already overwhelming time of Coronavirus. She chooses the Psalms and we ought to as well.

I often turn to this newsletter by Matt Civico when I want to challenge myself and go deeper in thought. Matt writes about daily things that we all encounter but with such incredible insight and maturity. Of course, his gleanings on the global pandemic were helpful and beautiful. (log in to read)

Brad shared this Martin Luther quote with our church this week and I thought it was perfect.

" I will ask God out of mercy to protect us. Then I'm going to smoke, to help cleanse the air, give medicine and take them. I will avoid places, and people, where my presence is not necessary to not be contaminated and also inflict and affect others, not to cause their death as a result of my neglect. If God wants to take me, he will surely find me and I will have done what he expected of me, without being responsible neither for my own death nor for the death of others. If my neighbor needs me, I will not avoid any place or anyone, but I will go freely as mentioned above. See, it is such a faith that fears God because it is neither daring nor reckless and does not try God." 

Source: Works by Luther Volume 43 p. 132 the letter "May we escape from a deadly plague" written to the Rev. Dr. John Hess.

This excellent resource for taking to children about COVID-19 was really helpful.

This playlist will bring a lot of comfort to anxious souls.

I appreciate this articicle, which pointed to some incredibly wise words penned 70 years ago that could well be applied today in our Coronavirus time. C S Lewis, writing in 1948 said this:

In one way we think a great deal too much of the atomic bomb. “How are we to live in an atomic age?” I am tempted to reply: “Why, as you would have lived in the sixteenth century when the plague visited London almost every year, or as you would have lived in a Viking age when raiders from Scandinavia might land and cut your throat any night; or indeed, as you are already living in an age of cancer, an age of syphilis, an age of paralysis, an age of air raids, an age of railway accidents, an age of motor accidents.”

 This is the first point to be made: and the first action to be taken is to pull ourselves together. If we are all going to be destroyed by an atomic bomb, let that bomb when it comes find us doing sensible and human things—praying, working, teaching, reading, listening to music, bathing the children, playing tennis, chatting to our friends over a pint and a game of darts—not huddled together like frightened sheep and thinking about bombs. They may break our bodies (a microbe can do that) but they need not dominate our minds.

Hospitality and Small Children

 I originally wrote this in 2011, and it's more true today than ever.

One HUGE difference from my pre-kids days to my current reality is that entertaining and hosting people can seem like more of a burden than ever before. I used to thrive with company over. I loved tidying up my home, planning a menu, and having a full house of family, friends, you name it. When Lily was born it drastically changed. I had less energy. The house was always a mess. Cooking and baking became more rare. People coming over wasn't as "fun" anymore. 

Lately Brad has been challenging this view. He's obviously sympathetic to my lack of energy, especially with my current pregnancy on top of a 9 month old, but he's also the greatest influence in my life other than God, so when he speaks, I need to consider what he's saying. And I have been (not that I'm always so ready to be corrected, mind you!). He's been encouraging me to show hospitality more, though it's harder than ever. Why? Because it's one of the greatest ways to love people.

Something I've realized through trying to understand to what degree I should be serving others alongside my family in this season is that hospitality is not hosting/entertaining. In my head, the two were inseparable. But they are quite different, and when you get that, you realize that showing hospitality doesn't have to be a burden when you're in a season of difficulty - especially with small children. Entertaining has a heavy emphasis on showing someone a great time, amusing them. There's a lot of pressure there. An entertaining evening usually means a nice meal, planned activities, a pleasant atmosphere (read: clean house!), everyone on their best behavior, etc. Now check out the definitions of hospitality.

Hospitality:

1. the friendly reception and treatment of guests or strangers.

2. the quality or disposition of receiving and treating guests and strangers in a warm, friendly, generous way.

I take this to mean that showing hospitality is opening your door and heart to people. Even when the house is messy. Even when you're just ordering pizza. Even when you don't have the perfect evening planned. It's showing generosity and love, usually in your home. That sounds like something I can do, if I so choose. But what it also required is that I choose love and generosity above appearance and "perfection". Would I be as proud to open up my home if I'm not offering a three-course-meal made from scratch? I should be, but in my pride, I'm not. 

Something I'm working on, with Brad's inspiration, and also the inspiration of  this article recently posted online.

taking a blogging break

Many of you have probably already assumed that I'm taking a break from the blogosphere since I haven't written in weeks. If not, I'm logging onto Blogger (for the first time in ages!) to let you all know that I'm stepping down from my dear blog indefinitely.

I always wondered if a day would come where I no longer had the capacity to blog, the desire to do so, or the words to type. For four years I've maintained two blogs (the other being one where I recorded my pregnancies and our on-going journey to one day adopt) and it's never felt like "work". Never ever ever. Until now. In reality, it was as soon as Chloé was born. For a short time I felt like I had a handle on things enough to keep up with blogging (and felt I still had so much to say and share), but then the older two stopped napping and it all just became too much.

I've loved having a place to share my ideas, experiences, and creations, and the feedback and relationships I've gained through my readers. I'll miss that and I'm eager to blog again some day in the future to have it again. But right now, I simply can't maintain a blog and keep up with everything else in my life that I desire to put first.

With three kids, three and under, and one awake at all times until evening, my only time to blog is 8-11pm. And since Chloé has joined our family, those few hours have become practically sacred. They're my only waking hours to myself, and even then are easily filled with highly important things - serving our church, keeping a home, maintaining friendships and relationships with extended family, and loving my husband. Nurturing my mind and soul (and let's be honest, simply putting my feet up!) is something I've neglected and blogging is a very practical thing taking up "me time". Cutting blogging out has freed me up to better serve the top priorities in my life, and still have time to build into myself. It's been a good thing.

I still have so many things to blog about that at one time felt "pressing" - finishing Chloé's birth story, sharing our recent family pictures, writing about our massive DIY dining room projects, and even some giveaways. But they all can wait. Indeed, they have to wait.

Soon Chloé will be sleeping through the night, and I'll be a different person. Maybe then I'll pick up with blogging again? In a couple short years Lily will be off to full-day kindergarten. Maybe then I'll pick up with blogging again? It's hard to know when exactly I'll have the time and mind space to blog again. I tend to assume it'll either be when I'm not waking up at 4:30am every morning with our baby, or when I don't have all three kids at home with me, but in the end I really don't know.

I still find inspiration, encouragement, and creativity in other blogs, but it's time for me to step back from this one for a while. My new favourite (and way easier!) way to document my ideas and days is Instagram so feel free to follow me there (@emmorrice).

Thank you all for reading along these past four years! I promise, I'll be back some day :-)

2013 Christmas Card

Every year I waffle over whether or not to send a Christmas card. It's a lot of work to send them, not to mention getting a half decent picture of the whole famjam together. This year since we added a new member, sending out a Christmas card was a definite. Especially since we stopped sending out birth announcements after our first child. Thankfully my friend Morgan was willing to take some pictures of us there other day at one of our favourite nearby cafes. I have a whole other post set aside for describing the stresses, appearing idols, and utter chaos of that day, don't worry. But the important thing is we have a generous and lovely friend and finally, we have family pictures that are worthy of a holiday card.

I played around at picmonkey.com and made these three potentials. We decided on the final one :)

Are you sending out holiday cards? I totally considered sending HAPPY NEW YEAR cards just because I was running late on Christmas. Ha! Such is my life these days :-)

three to a room [sleeping]

I recently wrote about our plan for our three kids, aged three and under, to share a room. Our first obstacle was finding room for them all, which we conquered with a $100 trundle bed from Kijiji. The second obstacle has been by far the greatest challenge and truthfully, we're still in it - getting them all to SLEEP.

Chloé still sleeps in a pack-n-play in our room for now and will until she can sleep through the night (right now she's sleeping 5-6 hours straight at night). Once she can go down at 11pm and sleep until 7am, she'll be in with the big kids, but I don't predict that happening for a couple months still, best case scenario. Provided Lily and Oli are asleep at 11pm and also sleeping through the night (which is the case most nights), it shouldn't be too bad. The real problem is getting them to sleep, now that Oli is free as a bird...

Lily transitioned to her big girl bed quite seamlessly for the main reason that there was no one else in her room to distract her. Within a couple days she was golden. Oli has been a whole other story! I have a couple theories:

1. It's his personality - he loves to party! Boundless energy has he.
2. It's his sleep habits - he has more energy and gets tired less often than Lily. He's not tired when she is, meaning he isn't going to stay in bed quietly. 
3. But the most obvious reason for the challenge is that there are now two of them in a room, without the confines of a crib. It's FUN to be free to roam around their room, together, all night long if they like.

We recently cut out Oli's nap and only now is he tired at the same hour as Lily, who still naps for 2 hours a day. Initially we tried putting them to bed at the normal time - 7pm - and just letting them work it out. This is what we did with Lily and it worked really quickly and well. The first few nights they played until 9pm or later and eventually passed out wherever they were. Spoiler alert: it was almost never in their respective beds.

Then we tried time outs every time they got out of bed. This was exhausting for Brad and I and took up our entire evenings. And each night it was the same story. That form of discipline didn't seem to be effective with this type of "crime". We also tried putting Oli back in the crib after he got out of his bed as a more severe punishment, but there was such a long time between being relegated to the crib and the next night to try again, that I think the punishment was lost on him. 24 hours is a long time for a toddler to connect the dots.

Finally we tried staggered bedtimes and cutting Oli's nap. Eureka! Staggered bedtimes without cutting his nap didn't work because he would take SO long to get tired. We'd either lose our evenings (putting him to bed second) or have Lily, our sleepy girl, up incredibly late (putting him to bed first and waiting for him to fall asleep). Now we cut his nap altogether and put him to bed as early as 6pm (HELLO!), wait for him to fall asleep which usually doesn't take more than 30 minutes, and Lily, who has napped that day, follows afterwards.

So now that we have two kids, out of cribs, sharing a room, in a trundle bed, our three to a room challenge continues with adding the baby.

When Chloé starts sleeping 11pm-7am we'll sneak her into the crib at 11pm since the older two will be fast asleep. Right now she goes to bed at 11pm but wakes around 4am for a feed and I'm not willing to have them all in the same room with the possibility of waking the older two every night.

I'll keep y'all posted :)

let's get cozy.

November has been lovely so far. Usually October is my hands down favourite month, but this past October I had a two week old baby, so I didn't enjoy it as I usually do because I wasn't able to do the things that make October so amazing (being outside in the PERFECT weather, wearing my favourite Fall clothes, baking my favourite foods, pumpkin carving and seed roasting, apple picking, yada yada yada). It's crazy how many things you're unable to do with a newborn, nursing baby. Alas, November is so the new black. Er, October. Er, both.

Favourites of the month so far have been all things COZY. Hot drinks, warm baked goods, comfort food, slippers 24/7, sweaters, cuddling, blankets, fire, candles. November, I'm in love.

1. We have our fireplace on most days, but never for more than 15 minutes because it gets toasty super fast. A gas fireplace is officially on our non-negotiable list for our next house. Montreal winters are no joke and this baby is so dreamy.

2. Lily and Oli are decked out in parkas every day (except today, which was oddly +10!) and they're SO cute. I bought their coats this year at Gap Kids when they had a deal going that if you bought 4 items or more, you got 40% off. I bought Oli's coat, Lily's coat, and Lily's snow pants (plus a few other sizes in each item). I love Lily's coat so much I'm buying it in the next two sizes up for the next two winters (next time it goes on sale)! If you didn't know already, The Gap, Old Navy, and Banana Republic all have free shipping and returns when you spend over $50! So you can order $51 of stuff and send everything back if nothing works for you. Free of charge. And if your order doesn't equal $50, just throw some extra stuff in there and send it back for free, just to make sure you get free shipping ;)

3. Speaking of Old Navy, that store is my jam lately. Mainly because I'm in that in-between postpartum stage where only some of my old clothes fit and none of my maternity things do. Plus I've been pregnant for 3 of the last 4 years so my wardrobe needs an update stat, except I don't want to spend a lot of money since I don't know what size I'll be next month (and I'm cheap forever!). This heart and soul sweater is so cozy and I'm obsessed with it. It was $8.99 plus 30% off! I think it came to under $8 with taxes and everything. I got it in a large (I'm usually a medium and even sometimes a small) because it was the only size they had but I'm glad I did. I love how it fits, all slouchy and snugly. Besides, Lily has the same one in navy blue so I just had to buy it, no matter the size. Twinsies!

4. I made marshmallows! Home made! And then I put them in my coffee because I don't have enough cavities. But they were the best in s'mores form. That's a whole 'nother post though :)

How's your November so far?

loving the church + our families

from Rachel Jankovich, author of Loving the Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches:

If you are a Christian woman who loves the Lord, the gospel is important to you. It is easy to become discouraged, thinking that the work you are doing does not matter much. If you were really doing something for Christ you would be out there, somewhere else, doing it. Even if you have a great perspective on your role in the kingdom, it is easy to lose sight of it in the mismatched socks, in the morning sickness, in the dirty dishes. It is easy to confuse intrigue with value, and begin viewing yourself as the least valuable part of the Church.

 This book stays on my night stand. I've read it four or five times and I have no plans of putting it back on a shelf any time soon - because shelves mean you've read it and don't need it often. And besides the Bible, this book has been my greatest literary comfort as a mother. Seriously. I buy it for all my pregnant friends and recommend it to anyone with young kids.

And that quote, it's so me right now. I love that the author gets it! Gets me! Especially that last sentence, because technically, I'm a church planter. Ha! One year ago this month, Brad and I planted a church. We were the only two "members" and the first tithers and Lily and Oli were the only children. It was just us and so exciting and so thrilling and hard work and long exhausting nights in my second language but so so worth it. We now have many members and are outgrowing the dance studio we meet in (after we outgrew our living room) and have baptized a few new believers and it's all awesome.

But with three kids, especially a newborn, it's easy to feel like I'm not much a part of the BIG stuff anymore. I can't go to the conferences for church planters (that are always during the week, several days long, and no-kids-allowed), I often miss large chunks of Festin Agape or Caucus or Groupe de Quartier (did I mention, it's a French church?) to care for my toddlers or baby, and I rarely know whats going on in the church that we dreamed of planting together.

But recently, God has been so kind and I've not felt the least bit insecure about it. My heart for the local church beats hard and strong. I am passionate about missiology, ecclesiology, reformed baptist theology, the city in general, and our neighbourhood (The Plateau) specifically, learning French, Quebec politics, community, the gospel, and discipleship. All things important for a church plant in our setting. But I'm also passionate about my kids, and Jesus wants that. First.

Aside from my relationship with God, my relationship with my family is foremost.
My role as a church planter is crucial and important, but my role as child-rearer and shepherd is chief.

I write this to remind myself and to encourage other women in the same situation. I don't write to free us from all responsibility elsewhere. Having a child isn't a get-out-of-serving card for the next 18 years. Women with children need to prioritize their family but also not neglect the church. So what does that look like? I think right now it means serving when we can and even when it hurts (sometimes with a baby on our laps! sometimes getting a babysitter. sometimes from home).

For each woman it will look differently of course. I don't know how many children you have or what the needs of your church are or what your capacity is. For me it means hosting group de quartier (small group) though I'm often in my kid's room wrangling them into bed. It means missing out on some church social events but to the best of my ability, never missing festin agape (Sunday worship). It means staying home with three kids under three but encouraging the girls from my church through texts and e-mails throughout the week when I can't hang out with them.

But it is so easy to fall into the thinking that I should be doing more and that raising my kids isn't ministry enough. Let us flee from that thinking, cling to the gospel, and always seek to serve, both of our families (nuclear and church) in Jesus' strength.

I'm curious, how do you maintain your service with small kids at home?
What does it look like for you?

October was...

The Winner of the Kelly Bermudez giveaway was 

 Emily28.10.13 

Favourited! She does BEAUTIFUL work! Watercolour art has always been something I fancied. :)

  

Congratulations, Emily! E-mail me by Monday to claim your prize!

The word that comes to mind is progress. Slow, steady, progress.

Progress with Oli starting to enjoy daycare. He rarely cries when he goes now, and always comes home saying "fun at school!".

Progress with Chloé's feeding. She was breastfeeding with additional nutrition coming from formula but that wasn't suiting her at all. Extreme gas, constipation, discomfort, and so much crying I was sure she had colic. We switched her to a lower lactose sensitive formula and she's thriving on it. Rarely crying, diapers are regular, it's such a wonderful change.

Progress with becoming a family of five. To be honest, it wasn't too hard a transition. I think becoming a family of four was harder. But the older two are older than Lily was when Oli was born, so they understood the transition more. Brad and I have slowly been learning how to handle three kids and what new responsibilities we'll each have (i.e. Brad now does the older kid's bath every night which I used to do, I wake with Chloé in the night, etc). Our church plant only meets together once a month right now, and we went as a family for the first time this month (Chloé was born a few days after September's gathering).

Progress towards normalcy again. I'm cooking and baking again - a sure sign that life is returning to normal. Not every meal or every day, but just being in the kitchen has been great for me. I love it.  I'm being creative again (a few DIYs that I'll share here soon on my frame wall). Which totally makes me feel alive. I'm in the Word more regularly again, which I definitely missed and couldn't find time for at the very beginning of Chloé's life. I'm getting dressed every day and not staying in pjs 24/7. Brad and I are spending time together, without the kids again! Oh this is amazing. With Chloé sleeping more at night and me being less sleep deprived, we have our evenings together again which is sweet.

Some things feel like they're not changing at all, but I think they probably are we just can't see the fruit yet. Really really slow progress. A certain three-year-old's temper tantrums. A certain two-year-old being too aggressive. Trying to transition Oli from the crib to the trundle bed (we put that on hold after the initial four nights of trying and recently started trying again - spoiler alert: it's not going well). These things are progressing. I'll say that in faith ;-)

great moments (not days)

pssst! don't forget to enter the Kelly Bermudez giveaway! 

winner will be drawn on Friday morning!

There are a lot of things on my plate right now that are making life hard. I won't lie. My three-year-old is the mayor of tantrum city. My two-year-old is showing zero signs of being ready to permanently move into his big boy bed or be potty trained, though both seemed within reach months ago. My newborn is doing so well, especially for only being 5 weeks old (sleeping five hours at night, self soothing, etc) but she's still a newborn, so there's still everything that comes along with that. Add that to having no family close by and a husband who works 60+ hours a week. It's busy, it's tiring, it's life.

But if I let myself dwell on the hard, my heart doesn't benefit at all. The other night Brad and I sat together and he challenged me to see the blessings in my day to day because it's all to easy to point out the hard stuff. At the time I was feeling particularly hardhearted towards my oldest girl. She hadn't given me the easiest time that day to say the least. He gently reminded me of some of our great moments together that day. And in this stage of life, you've got to count moments! Great days (like, a full 12+ hours of great/easy/fun) are hard to come by, but we're not lacking in great moments.

Lily helping me with the dishes.

Oli asking Lily for forgiveness after hurting her and them hugging it out.

Lily curling up for a snuggle while we watched Blues Clues.

Chloé smiling for the first time at Brad and I.

Chloé being the object of Oli's affection and his face lighting up when he sees her.

Oli reminding me during nightly prayer to ask Jesus to heal our 3 friends who have cancer.

Lily telling me that God will protect her when she has bad dreams.

Chloé sleeping from 1am-7am. It only happened once but it was fabulous.

These are all really great moments in time, during a hard season. And I am working on appreciating them instead of dwelling on the hard. It's crazy with little ones, isn't it? The love you feel so often seems one-sided. You can't stop loving them, even when they're SO disobedient and SO disrespectful and SO acting their age :)

This week both toddlers were asleep, and Chloé fell asleep on my lap. Since it was in line with her schedule, I just let her sleep there. I nodded off for a minute but mostly just watched her and soaked up a great moment. The late afternoon sun was coming in through our patio doors. Brad has quiet music in the background as he worked. My tea was still warm (miracle of miracles!). I knew in a few minutes the older two would wake and dinner prep would start and the 5-7pm time slot that is so very hard was creeping closer. But it was a great moment.

the 3rd child and 1st times...

There's a first for everything, and parenting is full of them. But we weren't expecting so many "firsts" the third time around! That's exactly what we've been given with little Chloé though. I joked about this all throughout my third pregnancy - how nothing was the same as it was the first two times and how she was sure to keep us on our toes. Well, it's only three weeks in but she sure has!

On the one hand, it's really hard. We figured by the third time we knew enough, had experienced enough, and paid our dues enough, that she would be our easiest child. We wouldn't second guess ourselves, we'd remember what to do, we'd know warning signs and tricks of the trade and ways to avoid trouble. We thought we had this parenting a baby thing down. We were wrong.

Chloé is unlike Lily and Oli ever were as newborns. The first 24 hours after birth babies (at least my babies) sleep for about 20 of them. Not Chloé. She was probably awake for 20! She wanted to nurse all.the.time from the minute she was born. She was crazy alert and such a mama fan. She slept in my bed or in my arms the whole time I was in the hospital - it was the only time she would. And just for the record, I've never been a co-sleeper. Nothing against those who are, but it wasn't our thing. And now, out of desperation at times, it's kind of become our thing. I don't do it often and don't plan to continue, but there have been times where it's the only way Chloé will FINALLY fall asleep after hours of awake time. Something so foreign to me in my experience with newborns.

And speaking of desperation. Oh the desperation. So often I find myself doing things with Chloé that I never did with the first two, simply because with three little kiddies, life MUST go on and so you do whatever it takes to make it so. The first two had a bassinet in our room, and never slept anywhere else. Chloé regularly spends nights and naps on the couch, in the nursing pillow, in her vibrating chair, in our arms, occasionally in our bed, the list goes on. Likewise, Lily and Oli never had a soother. I did try with each of them but neither took it. With Chloé, I've tried almost anything to get some sleep including the pacifier, and wouldn't you know, she's my one child that will take it! I always said I was glad in the end that the older two wouldn't take it, because it meant I didn't have to deal with attachment or dependence on the soother. This time, I'm just glad she's soothed!

As crazy as it's been, the important thing is our family unit has remained mostly the same. Our older two, who are in so many ways still babies themselves, have normalcy and that's been so important to me.

She sleeps the least, eats the best, cries the most (but thankfully the quietest!), and in a different way than our first baby, has us utterly dependent on one another and the Lord. With Lily we were that way because we simply knew NOTHING. With Chloé, we're that way once again because she's humbled us as parents and thrown us some curve balls we weren't expecting. And on that hand, it's really great.

"how are Lily and Oli doing?"

A question I get very often since Chloé's birth. So far, the answer is simple: wonderful!

Oli's a little busy right now...

The kids really love their baby sister and have taken to her so easily. Oli especially seems to have a special love for her. He kisses her non stop. This week we were trying to get his socks on before day care and he was refusing. He said he'd only let Chloé put them on! Lily also loves her a ton but shows it differently - she loves caring for her. Lily helps me change her diapers and clothes and gets a thrill from fetching me things I need from Chloé's crib (wipes, burp cloths, etc). She recently learned how to burp Chloé and hasn't stopped asking if she can do it.

I try to say yes as much as I can to their requests relating to Chloé to help their bond grow quickly. It was particularly hard at the start when I was exclusively breastfeeding around the clock and having difficulties doing so, because I needed to do that away from the kids. Several days passed where I only said a handful of words to each of them. It was emphatically not how I want to parent and I hated it. Now we're doing a combo of breastfeeding, pumping + bottle feeding + formula, and it's the balance I've desperately needed. The kids get my attention and instruction, they get time with Chloé, Chloé gets breast milk and has a full tummy after every feed. Everyone wins!

After a rough initial 10 days, we hit our groove around the 2 week mark and I'd say our family is thriving. If you recall, Lily did not take to Oli in the same way, so we're particularly thankful :)

Happy Friday, friends!

Chloé's birth story [part 1]

*** birth stories do contain some medical content 
       that some might find makes them uncomfortable.
       if that's you, please skip this post! ***

This might be the fastest I've posted a birth story in my history of motherhood. Oli's was closer to his first birthday if I recall! But I know I'm likely to forget the details as I'm a complete scatterbrain these days, so I figured I'd post it while it's still fresh.

The title of this post is Chloé's birth story, but it might as well be called THE BEST BIRTH EVER. Guys, it was incredible. It was everything I'd hoped for and dreamed of - actually everything I'd hoped for and dreamed of for all my deliveries, but this was the first time it all went according to plan!

This third pregnancy was a bit of a roller coaster from day one. You can read about that more here. To finish things off in the curve ball category, Chloé came a full week after her older siblings arrived. Though she wasn't late (she was actually born 10 hours before her estimated due date!) she felt SO late since I was expecting, along with my OBGYN, to deliver my third at the same time as my first two or sooner. To quote my OBGYN, I was a "sitting duck for a home delivery if I wasn't careful!" since I had painful Braxton Hicks contractions and was quite dilated for weeks before delivering. Plus it was my third yada yada yada. She also called Lily and Oli being early and was correct, so obviously I was expecting a 38 weeker. Not so!

So after the older kid's delivery dates had come and gone I definitely had that urgency of "she could come any minute!" which made for a long 7 days before I delivered Chloé. The hardest part was not knowing my body or what was going on. I've heard women say that when you're in labour "YOU'LL KNOW" and all I can say it, you might not. After three labours + deliveries I can honestly say I never really knew, had lots of false alarms, and the real thing was everything like the false alarms except in the end a baby came out :)

With Oli I went to the hospital once on a false alarm, and with Lily I never had one. With Chloé there were technically three false alarms, two that left me very disappointed (the first was at only 32 weeks and I was worried that I was in labour, certainly not hoping to be since the baby would be so early). The latter two were at 37 and 38 weeks, a full one and two weeks before I delivered. Both were at very inconvenient times (middle of the night!) and both times I had Braxton Hicks contractions that were truly painful and was already dilated. Some say you'll know the difference between BH and the real thing because BH aren't painful. Not true, folks!

Aside from the disappointment of not getting to meet my long awaited child, each false alarm cost us around $30 because I had to take a cab in the middle of the night. We reasoned that Brad should stay with our kids until I knew I was in labour for sure. With Oli that's what we did - I went to the hospital, they did some tests, discovered I was in labour, then he came running. The middle of the night isn't ideal for calling up your emergency babysitters only to send them home in an hour, but paying for cabs is annoying!

So on the morning of Thursday, September 19th, when I insisted Brad come along and drive me, it was a break from our normal plans. It was the potential-first-false alarm that he accompanied me to, and it's a good thing he did! I didn't insist he come because I know it was the real deal either. I was just tired of us paying for transportation and going through all the tests + dealing with disappointment alone. Thankfully he was already planning on taking the morning off since he was set to work all evening, and our neighbour and friend Kember was free to come over and watch Lily (Oli was at school).

We were both tired of getting our hopes up so as we walked to the car neither of us felt like it would be the day we met our third child and second daughter. We both had a sense of frustration as we were driving to the hospital - at the prospect of more wasted time and emotions. Looking back our hearts were so guarded that it robbed some of our joy but as any parent will tell you, waiting on a baby to come, especially towards the end is so hard, and false alarms can be crushing (as we'd already experienced twice in recent weeks).

My contractions were so painful at times that it was uncomfortable to sit but they were only slightly more painful than on the night of my second false alarm, so I tried not to pay too much attention. Brad dropped me at the door of St. Marys and found parking, and I walked waddled upstairs to see if today was really the day...

the last 2 weeks...

Hello world! I'm kind of, sort of back. Or at least the new version of myself - the more caffeinated, less rested, irregular blogger version of myself -  who is probably here to stay for many many months.  The last two weeks have been thrilling and rocky and emotional (duh) and exhausting, hence not one.single.post. #sorrynotsorry

I'm slowly getting back into a rhythm of life but am doing so really carefully. I've learned over the years and after three newborns to be VERY guarded with myself and VERY honest about my limitations + abilities. It's serving me well this time around and I've learned from mistakes I made the first time and in some cases the first two times. After two weeks only three friends have met Chloé, I've had both grandmothers here to care heavily for the older two, and I've been completely absent from my social and online commitments. It's been awesome. We're hibernating together, resting when we can, and learning to be a family all over again. It's hard, good work.

Though each picture could be a blog post in itself and much is being left unsaid, here's a glimpse of what I've been up to ///

had a baby / she is perfect / Granna came - thank the Lord / she's still perfect / Grandma came, too - thank the Lord / friends brought food - hallelujah! / I left the house - it was tiring but there were donuts / friends visited / she's still perfect.

a tardy introduction

The vast majority of you follow me on facebook, twitter, or instagram so this is old news. But just in case, and because I love talking about my girl, I'd love to introduce you to the newest Morrice!

She was born 10 hours before her due date, after a fast and furious labour, and weighed exactly one pound more than her siblings who were both born 7 days earlier than she. She's my longest baby to date (23 inches long), cries the quietest and sleeps the least. Lily and Oli are literally obsessed with her. No signs of jealousy yet, but lots of signs of affection, most notably in the 30+ kisses Oli gives her each day, how he tells her she's "pretty", and how Lily asks if they can sleep together every night.

For as long as I can remember I've wanted three (or more) children. Chloé fulfilled a lifelong dream on September 19th at 3:03pm. She is greatly loved and we are smitten.

a day in HER life [Rachel]

My name is Rachel. I am a wife to Matt and mom of 2 adorable little kids, Hannah (2 and a half) and Owen (just about 5 months). My husband and I both work (although, I am currently on maternity leave) for a ministry called Power to Change Students (formally known as Campus Crusade for Christ) - a ministry that works on campus helping students change the world by discovering Jesus and helping others experience and discover the life changing power of Jesus. I first met Emily on a missions trip to Tanzania while we were both still in University and although she may not know it, she has been inspiring me ever since! 

 

My adorable kids

To be honest, this post in a lot of ways is a struggle to write, simply because I do not know how to communicate what a day in my life looks like because, no day is exactly the same. I am not a highly structured, schedule person and although I know kids do well in that environment, we live a more "predictable weekly routine" as opposed to hard and fast schedule and it works for us!

Each day includes meals, snacks, naps and bedtime at approximately the same time. If home my youngest goes from awake, eating, playing/outings for 1-2 hours and then nap, cycling through 3 times each day before bedtime. With Hannah extras in the day include; helping with a chore, special play time like a game, baking, or more intense craft while Owen sleeps, and personal quiet play (Hannah does not play on her own well for long so much of the day is myself doing activities with her, except when feeding and putting Owen down. I dream of the day they play together and don't need me as much).

That said, there are certain things I strive to include in our days throughout the week:

Music - Hearing encouraging worship music throughout the house lifts my soul, and creates the atmosphere I want for our home. I love sitting working on a craft with my daughter of changing my sons diaper singing along with my little one. Or sometimes it’s my daughter deciding to turn on her favourite kid’s cd, calling out "dance party" and together we dance and laugh. To some loud music and kids singing/dancing/screaming is chaos. To me it means joy, peace and fun! 

Matching cousin dance party!

 Other Weekly Stimulating Activities – This includes going to the library for a music and reading program, going to a kids ministry at our church (Cubbies for Hannah, nursery for Owen) while I get be a part of and lead a women's bible study, as well as other special events. In the winter Hannah will start dance lessons (her Christmas gift from us!) 

A special outing to Oaklawn Farm when the grandparents came to visit!

The great outdoors! - I crave getting outside and get seriously stir crazy when I can’t be. My daughter is the same way (probably both due to personality and my influence). If possible, every day includes the park, the beach, a walk, and/or playing in the backyard (we recently invested in a trampoline for the family instead of extra toys and clothes for our new baby and couldn't be happier with the decision). I am that mom, that will bundle their kids up in the cold of the winter, just to get out even for 15 minutes. Fresh air keeps our sanity!

Hannah testing the trampoline (don't worry we were right there and the net went up right after!)
Note: Hannah is still in pjs...truth be told this is not unusual in our home to be in them until lunch

Matt gearing Owen up for his first time in the ocean!

Quiet reading times - we read a lot! Could be alone, myself to one kid, to both, kids to each other, etc, but this is a reoccurring part of every day.

Creativity - Being creative, making something out of seemingly nothing and making it beautiful is something I love to instill in my kids and I have fun with too! This is also, a great activity where we can think of others by making cards, or gifts to encourage and thank people in our lives (another key quality I hope to instill in my kids).

For my day to go well, I personally need a couple of things throughout the day. First thing in the morning when I wake up I grab my phone, check the time and right after check the "verse of the day" on my bible app. If no child is screaming at the time, I also take that chance to scroll through and read a couple chapters of the bible. It’s quick. It’s easy. But it focuses my day and I love it! (I wish I had that when my first was young and I
struggled to fit in Bible reading.) At breakfast we go slow and I enjoy a great cup of coffee. During nap time I am usually guaranteed at least 30 minutes when both kids are asleep and get me time. This is my main recharging time, especially important if it’s been a rough morning. It doesn't always look the same, often devotional reading (currently pouring over this book for our Women’s study and I love it!), often food and/or hot drink, but sometimes I’m so tired it simply means putting on a show where I can lie down and turn my brain off and just relax. Whatever I choose, it’s something that will help me get through the rest of the day well with my kids.

Night time routine is the most regular in schedule. On a "normal" day (currently we are in an "off-normal" season as university ministry is in high gear, but we strive for at least a couple “normal” days a week), Matt is off work around 5, time for kids to play with Daddy and me to make some dinner. I am not a gourmet chef. I am a quick, easy, good meal, type of person, so dinner is on the table by 5:30 (sometimes with the help of my friend the Crockpot!).We eat, we talk, we share, and we enjoy time all together as a family. Then leaves a little play time, some nights bath time and then time to get ready for bed. 

I love bed time (and not just because it means I soon get me/couple time, although that is a perk at the end of the day)! It includes, potty, brush teeth, getting changed, (feeding baby) and then we all cuddle on Hannah’s bed for reading - sometimes if time allows lots of books, but always a new story in Hannah’s Bible. We read together, "talk about it”, share what we can thank God for, what we have learned (important to review when misbehaving has been happening) and then we pray. It’s a lovely, special family time that we strive to protect whenever possible! Then, we say goodnight to Hannah. She usually convinces Daddy to cuddle "for just one minute" (sometimes turns into me waking him up after an hour) and I put Owen down in his bed. 

And then I breathe! 

At night sometimes we do things together intentionally as a couple - games night, watch a movie or show, talk and rock on the swing outside, etc and sometimes we simply just unwind by each other, on our own. Of course, some nights we are out for fun, serving, meetings or our small group too!

Above all else, what I strive to have in each day is...

• for myself to be in awe of God and depend on him
• my kids and myself to
  have moments of awe of God's creation 
• learn how special and unique they are 
• laugh and enjoy life 
• and care for others

That does not always all happen. Some days are just plain rough which is why grace is another big part of our days. Grace for the kids when they are over tired, feeling sick or just simply having a hard day - I need to realize that and be there for them instead of loosing it. Grace for me, when I make mistakes ore loose it, that my to do list may not get done, dishes may stay dirty all day and toys may be all over the floor and sometimes that's okay. (Housework always looses to quality time, helping out a friend or anything else really. It is my weak spot I need to improve on.)

Things change with each season. Our days change depending on life, but the themes and goals stay the same!

If you want to read more about my life, family and attempt to find balance in it all check out my blog Balance that Matters. (fair warning, busy season = a lack of posts lately)

a day in HER life [Vanessa]

Hey! I'm Vanessa Strickland from Strickly Speaking. I'm Mama to three little boys {Noah is 5 years old, Jude is 4 years old and Blaise will be a year old on the 17th}. I'm married Jamie. We've known each other since we were 9 years old. I'd follow him anywhere. I first met Em when she was a student in University. It's been a long time since then, but we've stayed in touch via the glorious, glorious interwebs.

My "normal" day has been radically changed in the last several months as we've moved from Kampala, Uganda {where we'd been living for the past two years} back to Canada. My two oldest boys start school this month for the first time and we've moved into our very first house that's stuck in the 80's. So I've got a full plate and I'm still trying to wrap my head around what a day in my life actually does look like!

But as of this week, this is my average week day:

7am

My alarm goes off. Either that or one of the boys has already woken me up.

I'm usually up after this.

Stumble downstairs, open the pantry, pull out the coffee cart and either plug in the Keurig or the coffee pot {depends on how I feel. Will this be a multiple cup of coffee day or a single cup?} to get the caffeine started.

The whole morning routine starts in full swing. Breakfast is made {we are kinda obsessed with waffles right now, by the way} and eaten. Jude is told multiple times to come back to the table and finish his breakfast {my kids, by the way, are completely mixed up on what meals are called. I'm not sure how I failed them in this respect, but it's not unusual for Noah or Jude to refer to breakfast as lunch, lunch as breakfast and dinner as anything but.}. Jude starts Junior Kindergarten next week and I am certain it's going to come as a shock to his wild-child system.

I have all these ideas in my head of things I'd like to do with the boys; morning times with Jesus with the boys using the Jesus Calling book for kids, playing specific worship music songs inviting Jesus into our day, but honestly? They haven't happened at all or at least consistently. I'm giving myself grace at the moment, though. We are still living in a barely unpacked house that still needs uber work on it. So we're makin' due with where we're at for now.

I put Noah's lunch in his backpack {I've started making them the night before. It's much more enjoyable and way less stressful.} and call the boy from their toys {or iPad/tv watching} to go pee and then we hustle out the doors with shoes on and sweaters or whatever the current weather calls for.

8:30am

We are out the door and hopefully getting in the car.

I drive to the school first, we all get out and walk Noah to the playground. We wait for the bell to ring and then help him get in line and walk in with his classmates. It's only the fourth day {as I write this} since he's started and it still makes my heart ache to watch him walk into that big school on his own.

8:55am

We're back in the car and we drive Jamie to work, say goodbye and then head home for Blaise's nap.

9:30am

Blaise is in bed napping. Jude is playing with toys and probably bugging for second breakfast since his first breakfast was either barely eaten or not at all. I am cleaning up the kitchen. No dishwasher. Le Sigh.

10am

I read some books with Jude for awhile and then let him watch a show on NetFlix while I go online to try and find good deals on things we need for the house or Skype with the team who replaced us in Uganda.

11:30am

If Blaise isn't up by now, I wake him. I need him to take a second nap in time for us to be able to pick up Noah from school around 3:20pm. I breastfeed Blaise {this is the longest I've ever exclusively breastfed any of my boys thus far. To be honest, it's easy, cheap and available. I haven't had time to think about weaning him and he is quite content at the boob. So there's that.} and then I get lunch together for us.

We'll either hang around the house, go for a walk or run errands.

1:30pm

Blaise is hopefully back down for another nap and Jude and I will do the same routine all over again. Books, toys, snacks, Skype. I don't even bother to start projects during the day. Jamie told me a couple days after we moved in that I need to give up any notion of getting projects done around the house when the boys are awake and it's just me. Wise words from my husband. I am, however, feeling a bit like our place is *cue overly dramatic sigh* never going to be finished.

3pm

Time to pick up Noah from school! The day has flown by and I know that if I blink, it'll be Christmas already.

We pick up Noah and talk through his day. He is happy to see his brothers and the feeling is definitely mutual although him and Jude are fighting within minutes.

3:45pm

We're home and eating a snack, whether it's Noah's leftovers from his lunch or something else I've been baking. Or goldfish crackers. Those always score big points in our house.

From now until around 5pm is flex. Maybe we've gone to the park {although I banned Jude from it the other day due to his apparent inability to walk, listen to me or ask politely for help. So...we're not at the park for the next few days.} or maybe we're hanging out in our living room that's currently littered with painting supplies, toys and two oversized couches. The boys are either playing with toys together and getting along famously or fighting bitterly. I may read a story or two.

5pm

Daddy comes home! I start prepping dinner. Jamie will hang out with the boys and play outside or take them swimming {yay for town house complexes with pools!} while I get dinner going.

6pm

We are eating. It's loud. And chaotic. And usually over pretty quickly. By the time I'm seated and eating, Jamie and Noah are probably done and Jude's done a preliminary pick-over. Blaise is squawking to either be done or for more food depending on what I've given him. I shovel in some food and then take him upstairs for a bath and he's in bed around 6:30pm.

6:30pm

Blaise is sleeping. Jamie and I clean up and hang out with the boys. Sometimes there's a bit of tv. Okay. Most times there's a bit of tv.

7pm

Baths are on like donkey kong. Fill it up and let 'em splash. That is our unofficial motto. Not really.

But the boys will happily play in the bath {usually} for 20 minutes. Sometimes less. Sometimes more.

 The rare occasion that all three boys bathe together. They all love it. Water.Goes.EVERYWHERE.

8pm

Big boys are in bed now too. Jamie and I breathe a collective sigh and do a final tidy up before relaxing for the evening.

There's so much to do around our house, but at this point it's all we can do to just spend some time together before hitting the proverbial hay. Usually we'll watch a tv show on Netflix {House of Cards} or stream one online {Suits} and look at stuff online. Decorating stuff and blogs for me. Sports for him. 

Time flies by and it's usually 10pm before we know it. We start to get ready for bed and it's already 11pm somehow. Blaise will usually wake up around this time and I'll nurse him back to sleep. He's my worst sleeper out of the bunch and will  wake at least once more during the night where I'll again nurse him back to sleep. {And this is the best it has ever been so far!} For now, it is what it is. 

As I look upon this and know that next week we add sending Jude off to J/K 2-3 times a week I am exhausted! Life in Uganda was slow, simple and I rarely left the house. But we're back in Canada and I'm trying desperately to make good choices for our family to keep our schedule as simple and pared back as it can be as we readjust back to life here in the fast lane. I love it, but it is an adjustment.

three to a room [the beds]

If you follow me on Instagram, you'll know that we have finally straightened out our kid's shared nursery and now it can successfully sleep three little children. Successfully, being a word I'm choosing in faith! It's been a bit of an uphill transition for Oli leaving his crib, and surprisingly Lily having him up in her grill, but the room looks great and I know our kids just need time to adjust.

To start with, we had a couple challenges and few options for sleeping arrangements. Since our oldest just turned three a couple of weeks ago, we weren't comfortable having her on a top bunk, no matter how low the bunk beds were. I think bunk beds are a great option in small spaces for sleeping many children, but when the children in question are all toddlers and babies, it's not my favourite option. Probably in our next house, but for now, I needed another option.

With bunk beds out, there were a couple of other options but none really worked. Lily's twin bed and Oli's crib already took up most of the extra room in the space, so an additional twin bed, crib, or adding a toddler bed were all going to drastically cramp the already small room. I also didn't love the idea of buying a toddler bed or crib since it's use is limited to such a short time, but a second twin would never fit. Then we discovered the trundle bed.

It's a slightly raised twin bed with a bed on wheels underneath. It's essentially a very condensed bunk bed, so you get two twin beds without sacrificing any space. We could keep the layout of the kids room exactly the same yet sleep three instead of two (when Little Sister moves into the crib, Oli can take over the bottom "bunk" of the trundle bed). Eureka!

Now to find one. IKEA had one option but I didn't like the top bed at all. It reminded me of my bed at university when I stayed in residence - a big old box. If we couldn't find another though, it would work. I believe the whole unit (bed and underneath trundle) was $260 or so and the bedroom event was on so that would be 15% off. Not bad, though we also had to buy a second mattress too. I was also scouring Kijiji and Craigslist daily for weeks (maybe months?) and had never found anything like what I wanted. In fact, the whole time I was looking I only came across three trundle beds at all! They're not so common, and the sellers of the first two seemed really sketchy. Not someone I'd want to buy a bed from, let's just say!

Then we struck Kijiji gold and found our unicorn. It was a trundle day bed, including two very new, very thick Simmons mattresses, in our neighbourhood, sold by a lovely, older, wealthy, couple of empty nesters who only used it as a guest bed a handful of times... FOR A HUNDRED BUCKS. And time was on my side, because it had only been posted 2 hours earlier! I called frantically to secure the bed, Brad biked over the $100 that evening, and it was ours!

Now, about the mattresses. I was skeptical. I know all about bed bugs, and I just as soon assumed we'd toss them as soon as we got the bed. Even the bed and trundle for $100 was a steal, so I wasn't desperate. And we only needed one mattress since Lily had one already (though it was a really thin poor quality IKEA one that cost $99 last year). But then we met the couple, saw their spotless home, heard their story (they'd only used it as a guest bed for visiting family a handful of times and bought it brand new), and were sold. Plus we got bedbug resistant mattress protectors ;)

After sanding the bed and painting it white, we started assembling it and quickly decided to ditch the daybed sideboard. I didn't know it was optional but it's completely structurally sound without it, and wasn't totally my style. The kids LOVE their bed, we love their bed, and it only cost us $100. Kind of the best news ever when you're having your third baby in four years and expenses (hello, new car) are adding up!

So that's how we're sleeping three kids, three and under, in the same small bedroom in our city condo. How it's going is another story that I'll share soon!

ready and waiting.

SATURDAY AFTERNOON, Sept 7th.

This is the week my older two were born, so of course I'm on high alert. The hospital bag is packed, her baby clothes are washed and ready, her bassinet is clean and made up in our room, I've bought the herbs to help with milk production, yada yada yada.

I don't know if it's because all my children have been due around the turn of the season - and the turn of my favourite season at that (Fall!), but the anticipation seems to take on so many forms. I'm just ready for change. Ready to pack away summer clothes. Ready to hunker down for a cozy cool autumn and even cozier colder winter. Ready to be a family of five after 6 months of trying for and nearly 9 months of carrying our 5th member. She's been on our minds for over a year and it's almost time to welcome her. I can't wait. But of course, I have to.

How do you handle waiting for something so momentous?

Wedding? Big exam? Start of a new job? New baby? Etc.?

I think I usually start well then peter out... As in, Up until this week I was finishing projects around the house left, right, and center. And ok, so my husband is still in that mode (love him!). I was whipping around the house cleaning everything, preparing everything, getting all my ducks in a row. Because I was sure she was imminent. I was having false labour like mad and every piece of material out there said that labour meant real labour and to go to the hospital. Well, I didn't go, and I'm glad I didn't. Anyway, after the other night and our near trip to the hospital, I've just kind of lost my ambition.

I don't have to keep getting ready because I AM READY. The baby things are sorted, we bought the larger car and sold our other one, the kid's big-kid bed (trundle style) is purchased and getting a makeover by my diligent husband, I've cleaned the clothes and made the plans. Now I'm just waiting, and probably not making the best use of my time. All that nesting has kind of slipped away and now I'm just trying to pass the time quickly. Probably wasting parts of it while I'm at it.

Baby girl, I know it would be just under two weeks early, so it's a lot to ask, but if you wanted to come today I'd be OK with that! And if you wanted to wait until a few days from now when your siblings were born (38w 5d), I'd be OK with that too. And truthfully, I'd be OK with you coming at 40 weeks or more, because this pregnancy has been a gift and I'm shocked at my lack of back pain and loving it, so yeah, you could wait longer too if you really wanted to. But let the record show that I'm ready for my third baby, like, yesterday :)

a quick prego update!

Hey all! Blogging has totally taken a backseat to nesting around here, but I figured I was due to give a little update if you didn't already know what was going down. I'm almost 38 weeks. Still pregnant. Instagram is where I've been updating my pregnancy status the most since I don't have any male followers there (or maybe a couple? but not many so I feel more comfortable writing about pregnancy progress there than on Facebook for example!).

The brief summery is that I'm very close. I'm physically "ready" to go into labour at any time. I'm not in pain like I was with Oli, so I'm not dreading still being pregnant by any means (thank the Lord!), but I'm just eager. Understandable after over 8 months of this, I think!

And the false labour contractions. OH those. I used to find them really fun because it told me the baby was coming soon, but after Tuesdays appointment where my OBGYN said truely, "any day now", they're not so fun. Not painful, and easy enough to sit through, but the mind games! I'll tell you, I've never been more unsure of anything in my life with such huge ramifications.

See, here's the thing. Neither of my previous two pregnancies began as they say they will in the leaflets in the doctor's office, or heck, the movies. My water never had that momentous breaking (gush! ah! and while we're at a restaraunt? oh no!). Nor did I ever have the gradual contractions where suddenly they began to progress and get painful and then it was like "owwww get me to the hospital!!". No. Both times it was a very chill trip to the hospital, full of doubt. Because both times, my water was leaking, thus I was curious if something was up, but I had no fluid, no pain, no contractions, no "feeling". And once a doctor examined me both times, we learned, OH HEY. I'M IN LABOUR. And then my water was manually broken (they can do that!? I know, it's crazy) and after that real labour was quick to follow. So really, when experiencing contractions that are textbook (1 minute long, 1 minute apart, for several hours), and all available material on the subject says GO TO THE HOSPITAL, it's frustrating when I don't really know. And it continues to not be the real deal.

And why am I so concerned about not knowing? Isn't it just fun to wait and see? Kind of. Except, with Oli, after my water was broken at the hospital, he was born in two hours. And by the time I got the blessed epidural, he came too fast and the drugs didn't take. Giving birth again, without the aid of an epidural is terrifying to me. I know some of you are all about natural birthing and if that's your flag, wave it girl! Enjoy every excruciating push. You've done your research and you know it's what you want and maybe even love. For me though, I'm just not that kind of birthing mama.

My birth with Lily (where I was completely with it mentally, but 100% frozen from the waste down) was so fabulous. I knew what was going on at every moment and was able to push when it was time, but there was no pain, and thus, no panic or stress (anyone else not take pain well?). Oli was the opposite. I couldn't talk, breathe, think. The pain took over and I felt so alone though the nurses and doctors were coaching me through every step and Brad was by my side through it all. Pain just does that to me. Especially blinding pain. I often think of the days my older two were born fondly, but realistically I'd re-live the day Lily was born a thousand times, and Oli's I wouldn't care to repeat. Birthing her while being able to talk and pray with my husband, tell jokes and take naps... that was paradise. Birthing Oli, while incredible because it was the day I met my favourite boy, was devastatingly painful and totally not fun.

So this birth, can you guess my birth plan? It's figure out when the heck I'm in labour (not so easy, I'm learning), get to the hospital, and order the epidural before I'm even in too much pain. With desperate hopes that it's not too late again. That's all. These days all of the false labour is throwing me for a loop because I keep thinking "it's time!" and the decision to go to the hospital is a tough one. I don't want to miss my chance at an epidural, but I also don't want to go and waste my time if it's not the real thing. Brad and I find ourselves playing this mind game most evenings lately.

On the bright side, this third trimester has been great. I'm feeling healthy and good, and apart from the false labour and my OBGYN's exam results on Tuesday, I wouldn't think I was anywhere near giving birth. I could easily go another two weeks. But I just hope I'll know when it's the real deal, with time to spare!