Would You Ever Change Your Wedding Band?

Three years into my marriage I started wearing a yellow gold chain necklace and it became my signature jewelry. I'm not someone who wears much by way of bobbles - I don't wear earrings, can't stand watches or bracelets, and find most necklaces got in the way of my life with little babies. But this simple yellow gold chain stayed, and is still securely around my neck as I write this, seven years later. I didn't mind that it was yellow and my wedding rings were white gold, but a few years on I became really drawn to yellow gold and it started to bother me. I was already starting to feel uncomfortable with my diamond engagement ring for a few reasons that I'll address in another post, which lead me to thinking about what I would choose for my wedding and engagement rings if I were engaged and married then instead of several years prior.

Allowing my mind to wander one thing I knew for sure, I would not choose white gold. With my warm complexion and blonde hair, yellow gold suited me, and seemed more classic than the white gold I'd chosen a few years earlier. Funnily enough, I always remember thinking my mother's wedding rings were so "old fashioned" being yellow gold. All of the young girls I knew who were getting engaged in the early 2000's had white gold rings and that's what I wanted too. My friends and I even had a nickname for men's wedding bands that were simple yellow gold - "Dad Rings"! I laugh so hard at this now because maybe they still are Dad and Mom Rings, but we're Dads and Moms!

The thing about getting engaged at 21 is that you haven't really discovered your personal style yet. I was engaged and married in the days before Pinterest if you can believe it, so the idea of having anything in your wedding bespoke and unique was foreign to me. Every wedding I attended was more or less identical, and so mine fit the mold exactly. There were only three wedding magazines in circulation that I knew of and they all advertised the same styles, companies, and themes. I knew I'd have a strapless wedding dress and a white gold diamond solitaire because it was all I saw and thought I wanted. There is so much I would change about my wedding looking back, which I'm sure is always the case ten years down the road from any event, but especially since I was married so young and still learning who I was and what I liked. I can't go back and re-marry Brad, though I would always choose him again and again (SWOON), but as we approach our ten year anniversary next month, I started to seriously consider changing my wedding band.

Which brings me to my question. Would you ever change your wedding rings?

This is a question I posed to my Instagram community several months ago and I've returned to ask similar questions in my stories a few more times. The general consensus is very divided and I always receive strong views on both sides, ranging from enthusiastically in favour to fiercely against. I can understand both views and have taken them to heart, and to make my own decision I spent two years considering it and several months talking it over with Brad and other friends who know me well. I prayed about it, thought about it, and asked others for their counsel, and then I made my decision - I would replace my rings for ones I truly loved and felt comfortable with.

Our marriage is stronger than it's ever been, and a piece of jewelry doesn't cement our commitment or weaken it if replaced. It can be seen as wasteful to replace something that isn't damaged or lost, but I wear this ring proudly every day of my life, so shouldn't I love it? When I talked to Brad about it I really had no idea what he would think, but right away he was not only open to the idea but super supportive. I wondered if he would be offended or hurt that I didn't want the ring he gave me as we vowed, 'til death do us part, but he reminded me that those vows were for us, not for our jewelry.

Neither of us are overly sentimental, especially with material goods, so we both agreed that if it was within our budget, we'd replace my rings. My original white gold wedding band was $75 from a pawn shop in Toronto that we bought on a whim a few months into our engagement when we were running late to meet friends for dinner. Buying that ring together is a precious memory that I'll keep forever, but if my tastes have changed a decade on, why not change it? The memory is in tact. Our marriage is thriving. I also love the fact that now I have two wedding bands, so some day I can pass one on to each of my daughters - not planned but a lovely result of replacing my original band! So I started to shop around for a simple yellow gold band, ideally from a shop here in Quebec.

I came across Vaudry Jewelry Co. on Etsy thanks to some friends on Instagram who recommended them for minimalist wedding bands. My wedding band is the hammered 10k yellow gold band stackable ring. It was under $150 and made right here in Quebec, where our whole life as a married couple has been. I love it so much! I love the simplicity of it, the delicate size (my other band was thicker), the hammered details, and especially that it's yellow gold. Though I do have an engagement ring as well, which I'll write about another day, I often wear just my wedding band. I love it so much I can't believe I almost didn't change it for fear of how others might respond. The simplicity fits my style perfectly and I'm thankful every day that I had the courage to do the unconventional thing and change my wedding rings!

Vaudry Jewelry Co. is a small Quebec business I'm proud to collaborate with on this post. Visit them on Etsy and Instagram and fall in love with their minimalist gold pieces!

Things to try in 2018: Symphony date night + 50% off!

I thought for the rest of the month I'd focus my blogging on things to try for the new year ahead. As you know from my recent post, I'm not big on annual resolutions, but I do like tangible goals and getting inspired. My first suggestion to you for 2018 is to plan an out-of-the-box, fancy as heck date night. Try the symphony!

Sounds expensive right? Well, it definitely is pricier than one of our regular date nights, but after Christmas each year the OSM (Orchestre Symphonique de Montreal aka the Montreal Symphony Orchestra) has an after Christmas sale where tickets are 50% off! This year will be Brad and I's third year attending the symphony with these rebated seats and every time we have an incredible time. Kent Nagano is the king! Hurry, the discount ends soon!

marriage and real love songs

Eight years into marriage, there are a lot of things that are way better than in our newlywed days, but honestly, also a lot of things that we still struggle with that we thought by now would be distant memories. We're still childish and selfish. We can still be petty and unforgiving. We still fight, often. We still have to put in actual effort to sustain a healthy marriage, we can't just go on auto-pilot.

A decade ago, I naively thought marriage would be easy and constant fun and laughs - a sleepover party forever! I'm sure there are blog posts out there that you could read that would describe marriage that way, so if that sounds more therapeutic to you I encourage you to track them down, but it wouldn't be true for me to write one. Human relationships, even with the most compatible, loving, Godly partner, are messy.

There are few conversations that I love more or find more soothing than ones with fellow married friends about the challenges of marriage but it's utter worthiness despite the tough parts. I think back to boisterous conversations with one pair of married pals in the Fall when blurting out "MARRIAGE!" was the only helpful explanation to our current difficulty of accepting our partner's faults and our own hang ups. It's hard, we're sinful, it's worth it, but it's not easy. Marriage! Another such conversation with some friends from Toronto occurred over the Holidays as we four talked about how we still fight (a lot) eight years into marriage (they were married just a few months before us), but how our fights are fairer and shorter, and that's progress worth cheers-ing to.



Which brings me to real love songs and my favourite one, by CHVRCHES.

I'll be a thorn in your side
'til you die
I'll be a thorn in your side
for always...

Now that's a real love song. It's not going to be easy, but it's going to be worthy and beautiful and we're in it to win it.

it's OK to feel both (+ some family photos!)

Basically every day from 5-7pm I walk the tightrope walk of emotions where I'm part counting the minutes 'til bedtime and part savouring time with my kids. Doing homework in another language, trying to calm down a boy with endless energy before bedtime, corralling three kids into the bath without flooding my bathroom... none of these are my favourite pastimes. But these are the days, as they say. We'll look back on these days and wonder where they vanished to, and what exactly we found so difficult.

And not half an hour after they're finally tucked in to bed and sleeping soundly, I find myself scrolling through pictures on my phone from our day, or talking about them with Brad over a glass of wine. Effectively, missing them.

I've felt guilty about these feelings before, but I'm realizing it's OK to feel both. It's OK to look forward to alone time. It's OK to cherish time alone with your spouse. It's OK to want them to go to bed! And it's OK to miss them when you finally get some time alone.

If you're looking to conduct an experiment on how one can experience every range of emotions in the shortest amount of time, I suggest parenting.

These beautiful pictures area part of a shoot we did with Rachel Cheng, Montreal-based food and family photographer. She was incredible with our kiddos and managed to get every shot I'd hoped for and more in under 30 minutes - crucial when your kids (and husband, lol) aren't thrilled about taking pictures.
Find her information here.

8 years + the start of our love story

Today marks 8 years of marriage for Brad and I. EIGHT YEARS. I don't think I've ever shared the way we met and how it all went down on the blog before, so here it goes for those of you who like stories like these (secretly all of us, no?)

When we first met, I was attracted to him right away. All the tall girls out there know that you're always aware of a guy's height. It's just something we look for right away. Well, it took me two days of us hanging out constantly to realize that I'm taller than him. Because his personality, his charterer, his leadership, were all so giant. We were on a mission's trip in Africa, and I felt so safe being near him. He seemed so comfortable around anybody, so at ease with the foreign culture around him, and he loved learning new languages. His love for people and God were so evident right away, and I was hooked.

He didn't actually feel the same right away though! haha! He was leading the missions trip and I was simply a participant, and any kind of flirting or relationship starting would have been frowned upon until after the trip was over, so he played it cool, not wanting to be distracted. Meanwhile I was like HAIIIIIIIII CAN I DISTRACT YOU? do do do...

But I didn't really know how he felt, because he was trying not to feel it. I was so not what he was looking for. I was too young (still in university, we're 4.5 years apart), lived nowhere near him (I was in Hamilton, Ontario, he was settled in Montreal), and didn't speak French (which was his language at work and in ministry). And we were on this mission's trip where he was leading us all in a foreign country.

When the trip ended for the students, the staff were still in country for another week, so I returned home to my family, got a summer job, and told everyone who would listen about this Montreal dream guy that I met in an African airport. Then, the day his responsibilities as mission's trip leader ended, he e-mailed me from an airport in Paris, on his way back to Montreal. His e-mails in those days were epic. Pages long, full of funny jokes, memories from our trip, encouragement from the Bible, and hints that he liked me too. A few weeks later, he traveled down to my family's home in Niagara, Ontario to meet everyone and just hang out. He told me he liked me and I was so nervous and at a loss for words that I just said, I KNOW. hahahaha! Um, worst response ever, but he stuck around :)

We became an official couple one month later, in September, were engaged in April, and wedded on October 18, 2008. Eight years ago. Every year has been better than the last, and I'm more thankful to God every single year. Happy anniversary Brady :)

These precious photos were taken by Rachel Cheng, a Montreal-Based family photographer and old friend, who may have heard one too many of those stories about my Montreal dream guy that I met in the African airport.

date night in Little Italy

A couple of weeks ago we were invited by Flavor Your Life to attend an olive oil tasting by Zucchi Olive Oils at the Mezza Luna cooking school beside the Jean-Talon Market in Little Italy. Flavor Your Life aims to educate people about the benefits of EVOO from Europe. I learned a ton about the quality, taste, and purposes (as if we needed any more reason to love it!) - Such a fun night!

We tasted several olive oils, and they were all delicious. I loved hearing about what oils are best with which foods (just like wine, the region has ideal pairings with certain dishes), and tasting each oil in the amazing food that we were served afterwards.

Stefano Faita and his crew from IMPASTO blew our minds with so many delicious dishes. I think my favourite was the homemade focaccia bread and zucchini and the grilled octopus. Brad loved the pasta and now IMPASTO is on our restaurant bucket list, even though we don't often go out for Italian. What really struck me was watching this celebrity chef with his own cooking show, doing the dishes afterwards. Cooking and foodie culture can be pretentious, but I find the people who are most passionate about food simply love eating and love being in a kitchen. Period.

It was a fun night out in Little Italy, which is just north of us and easily walk-able from le Plateau. I wore this fun denim dress from ROOLEE and these elastic strap sandals that I bought five years ago from Ardene, if you can believe it! I think they were $10, and they're still alive (though I don't wear them often)! My dress is labeled a "tunic" on their website, FYI, if you're looking for it! I'm wearing a size L here, and I'm usually a M, so size up if you're using it as a dress, size down or as usual if it's going to be worn as a tunic :)

I can't wait to check out IMPASTO and their sister spots, Pizzeria Gema and Chez Tousignant, all in Little Italy. A highlight of the night was chatting with Stefano about his favourite spots to eat in the city. He said for high-end eating, he loves L'Express and Lemeac and for under-the-radar ethnic cuisine he loves taking his family to SOY, a Sichuan joint on St. Laurent; all in le Plateau.

Thanks for a terrific evening, Zucchi! Your oils were delicious! I've loved cooking with them since your lovely soirée!

This post was in collaboration with  ROOLEE, 

a company I have loved for years. 

All opinions are mine :) 

To book a collab, see here. 

Life, Lately (2/16)

Does anyone else feel like February is hanging on for dear life, and that Spring will never come? Good, not just me! This month has felt really slow at times, and while I'm thankful we've all been perfectly healthy, unlike last February (Yay, flu shot!), I'm still struggling to be joyful sometimes. Short days, lots of cold and darkness (It was -35 last week! What!) make for lethargic and slow days, and I'm itching for the first signs of Spring.

That's one reason I like writing these little updates. Partly so I won't forget the little things - the mundane every day moments that make up our lives. But also, practically, to help me find the joy in these dark, snowy days. So here we go!

First, in family news... We have a niece! A cousin! Our first one!
My sister gave birth to a beautiful baby girl last week, named Addison Cameron, and we'll be meeting her for the first time this weekend! We are all overjoyed by Addison's arrival. Oli made her the cutest card and we mailed it, along with a Valentine from Lily. Oli keeps saying now he has three girls to take care of! Dying.

Last week, Lily was the ami vedette in her kindergarten class, which meant that she presented in front of her class every morning from a work book that we filled in together. She shared about her family, our life, her hopes and dreams, her likes and dislikes... all in French, and in front of a classroom of kids.

Just thinking about how far she's come since September brings tears to my eyes. She also wants me to write down that she has her first loose tooth. Which totally gives me the heebeegeebees! Loose teeth are the worst! But shes very excited about it, so we're trying to be less grossed out and more encouraging. When she told me about her tooth, she asked, "Mommy, does it make you sad? That I'm grown up enough to have a loose tooth? Soon I'll have my own kids, and I'll be like, 'bye!!!'". HAHAHA. I love that girl. And of course, she was right on the mark.

Oli is such a thinker these days! You'll find him teaching himself letters by copying the text on old recycled sermon notes of Brad's, or reading his Lego instructions (which he calls Constructions). He loves to write, and addressed 15 Valentines for all the kids at his playschool (even the ones who go on different days than him!) completely by himself. His writing is actually on par with Lily's! And he loves to draw maps and instructions for Lego things he'll later try to build.

It's crazy to me that a kid so eager to learn and so intellectual (can you even say intellectual without sounding like a total weirdo? I mean, he's four. I get that. But everyone who encounters him says the same!) won't be in school for another year and a half! Because of where his birthday lies, he won't start kindergarten until September 2017! But he is small for his age, and will be starting school in his second language, so I think the extra year will be good for him. Plus, more time with us!

Chloe is proving to be a late talker, like Lily was. But fortunately (sometimes unfortunately) for us, she's still very loud and clear with communicating. It's always weird disciplining a two year old and we are still trying to figure out what works and what doesn't with her. She's so strong willed, so bold and determined, but we need to remind her often that she's only two, and still needs to obey her parents!
ps - Still obsessed with penguins.

I'm reading a ton these days now that I have my KOBO e-reader. TV has totally lost it's allure! Aside from the occasional episode of The Office (which I was only really interested in after reading Mindy Kaling's books) I'm reading every night and loving it. I've read 50 hours since Christmas! Which I wouldn't know, except the e-reader keeps track, ha! I'm about a third of the way through my reading list for 2016, but have added a bunch of news books, too.  I love that with the KOBO you can rent books from your library's e-book selection! In this weather, I have no desire to trek through the snow to the library, but I also don't want to buy books that I'll only read once. I've been checking out books from bed this month, you guys! Living large!

Brad and I have also gotten more intentional about date nights this month, which is nothing but wonderful. As a Valentines day gift to me, he presented me with an Excel document with very organized information - the best information for any mom - Babysitters he had booked every two weeks, through May! So now we have no excuse. Every two weeks, we'll be out of the house, just us two. We went out for beers and Ramen last week and next week we're going to the symphony! Can't wait to post about some of the budget-friendly ideas up our sleeves. I sure do love that bearded boy of mine.

V-Day Cards!!

Do you send valentines? They used to be sent in secret and signed anonymously, even between legit couples (Downton Abbey taught me this #historychannel). Brad and I have never exchanged cards! Is that weird? Not for birthdays, Christmas, or v-day. I reckon we've saved a few hundred dollars by now! But every once and a while I see a greeting card and I'm like oooooooo I want to buy this! For someone! Anyone!

These ones had me feeling the feels and laughing the laughs! Bae! Haha! Emily McDowell is amazing.

The best books I read in 2015

Tomorrow it's 2016! I love a new year. What a reminder that there's always a fresh start, hope, and promise. One of my resolutions is always to read more, so I thought I'd share my favourite books from this past year (brief descriptions below!) You might want to add them to your reading list for 2016!

This year for Christmas I got a Kobo and I'm so excited about it! I'll be posting about my reading list for 2016 in a few days. Now that I'll be reading more library books (Kobo eReaders let you borrow ebooks from your local library...from bed! Glorious!), it will be pretty long I think. But there's still something about a good ol' paperback, isn't there? I think I'll use my Kobo for fiction primarily, and stick with paper when it comes to theology, ministry, marriage and parenting books - because those are the books I want to re-read again and again, and share with friends.

The Pastor's Wife by Gloria Furman - Such a refreshing encouragement to pastor's wives. So rooted in the Gospel, full of grace, and intentionally not a how-to.

Women of the Word by Jen Wilkin - I bought  30 copies of this and gave it to all the young women in our church! A must read for women who want to grow in their knowledge of the Bible, their understanding of how to study and read God's Word, and their motivation to do so.

Unveiling Grace by Lynn Wilder - Probably my favourite book from 2015. A beautifully written biography of one devout Mormon family's journey to Biblical Christianity. Most Christians don't know what to do with Mormons and usually avoid the name-tag-clad duos who come calling (Me! Guilty!), and this book is for you!

Family Driven Faith by Voddie Baucham - I recommend this book with a huge asterisk. Some of the chapters in this book were among the most encouraging and inspiring I've ever read on the subject of shepherding our Children to know and love Jesus. But other chapters I found too one-sided (for home schooling, especially). But I loved the former chapters so much that I still recommend it constantly.

The Fruitful Wife by Hayley DiMarco - Each chapter is so unique in this book. I find myself recommending separate chapters to people depending on where they're at, rather than the whole book, simply because it's SO varied and has so much wisdom and truth, all over the map. Grace-filled and a light, encouraging read. Chapter one on love made me cry and I've read it three times!

The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe by C.S.Lewis - I read this classic for the first time at Easter this year and it was perfect. I can't wait to read it with the kids when they're older!

9 Marks of a Healthy Church by Mark Dever - This book is a must-read for Pastors and their wives. This is a post for another day, but I definitely think pastor's wives need to study these matters alongside their husbands, and not just smile and nod while their husbands shepherd the flock. This book is so solid and has been formative to our church's beginning. I re-read it this year, but first read it in 2011.

Adopted for Life by Russell Moore - I read this book first in 2011, again in 2013, and again this year. I still wonder if adoption is in our future, and love re-reading and recommending this great book.

Happy reading! I'll post my 2016 reading list soon!

ps - Brad is loving this book right now. We definitely have slightly different taste, no?

7 years

Look at these little kittens! They didn't know what they were getting into, but they knew it was with the right person. Yesterday we celebrated SEVEN YEARS of marriage! Of pure wedded bliss. Ha! And rocky times and stupid fights and 1,000 "I forgive you"s. Brad and I met at an African airport, started dating after knowing each other for 4 months, dated for 6 months, were engaged for another 6, and got married a couple months after our "1 year anniversary". It's been a whirlwind, our marriage. And I love us. Cheesy, right? But so true!

/\ /\ /\ babies! /\ /\ /\

Seven years, 3 kids, and 1 church plant later, you're still the one, Bradford.
After traveling to 10 countries, seminary, and up to Le Plateau, I'd still go anywhere with you.

 /\ /\ /\ 7 years in /\ /\ /\

ps - this is a fun song that was on our wedding mix cd that we gave all of our guests. seven years later, I don't still love every song we put on that CD but this is still a favourite!

parents kissing! ewwwww!

 

A little while ago during a long family outing the kids ended up with my phone. It happens! Especially when long days are drawing to a close. Usually it's 30 pictures of Lily's arm or ultra close ups of Oli's Rainbow Monkey, but I really loved what they captured this time. Especially the picture in the middle ;)

I remember as kids, friends talking about walking in on their parents kissing and how traumatizing it was and another friend chiming in with wisdom beyond her teenage years. I'd rather walk in on that than them fighting. True words. Long live the public makeout!

when you have 24 kid-free hours with your love

Earlier this summer my parents took our older two camping at a nearby provincial park. Which left us with just one little one and feeling light. One of the nights the kids were away our sweet friends Pierre-Louis and Audrey kept Chloe for the whole night! They have a baby around her age, so they basically had twins for the day/night. What a gift!! From 11am Wednesday -11am Thursday we were kid-free in Montreal. What did we do?

Oh nothing... just pack in two months or more worth of date activities in one amazing day.

We took bixi bikes from our home in the Plateau down to Old Port, played tourist in our awesome city, stopped for smoothie Popsicles, biked over to St-Henri for a pint on the St-Ambroise patio (B had the scotch ale and I the apricot, like always), biked along the Lachine Canal, back to Old Port for an incredible dinner at Le Bremner, then to Jacque-Cartier bridge to watch fireworks, then biked home (up hill like woah!) to an empty house. ALL THE HEART EYE EMOJIS. What a great day.

After this wonderful experience I think we are more sold than ever on date-DAYS instead of date nights. As blessed as we are to have dear friends who often offer to babysit in the evenings, I'm usually not at my best from 8-11pm. I'm usually exhausted from a long day with the kids, and know I need to be up at 6am the next morning. As soon as the kids are down, it's a rush to get ready to go out, and even then we only have 2-3 hours before we need to call it a night.

Date nights are better than no alone time with my hubs, of course, but I think we saw a glimpse of a better way this summer. I'd rather skip two or three date nights, and then coordinate those same babysitters to all come one after the next for a full day alone with Brad. Or better yet, find a couple who is also in need of a date day and trade off watching their kids for a full day (or even night!).  During the day we felt so much more alive! Brad worked on Monday (his typical day off) so we could have the Wednesday together. We had no where to be, no one who needed us, and nothing set in stone except dinner reservations. I can't tell you how freeing it felt biking downhill racing side by side with the love of my life, with nothing hindering us. Date dates forever!

pre-marital counselling and taking our own advice

One of my favourite things about being in church leadership is the privilege of doing pre-marital counselling with our many engaged couples at Église du Plateau. An urban church is a young church, no matter what other demographics fall into place. There are risks and weaknesses to being predominantly young of which we are acutely aware, but oh there are blessings. Particularly the walking examples of gospel-reflecting marriage all around us. Do we have more than a handful of married couples over the age of 35? No. But is there grace in the thick of deciding to marry, leaving behind a life focused primarily on self, rummaging through the debris after the dust of the first year of marriage settles and deciding it's still worth it? Indeed. And we see that often.

In the next five months, our church will see five young couples married. Sweet joy and hot damn! It's an exciting time, and one of increased leadership for the three elders and their wives as we've been given the happy burden of pre-marital counselling for these couples. It is no small thing to be invited into the doubts, fears, struggles, excitement, stress, tears, joy, and love that a young engaged couple experiences. We count it a real privilege to walk beside these couples as they prepare for their marriages*, and the lessons they learn are not lost on us.

Brad and I are approaching seven years of marriage in the Fall. Not too long, even including three kids and a church plant. But God has given our people humility to learn from a few youngsters only a few years ahead of them, and I'm thankful. Firstly, because we can always learn from others. Secondly, because marriage is a refining fire and a sanctifier like no other, even one year of experience is incredible and there is wisdom to be passed along. And thirdly, because even though we are not a perfect couple, God has done amazing things in and through us as a married couple. Every time we sit down with an engaged couple, we can't help but marvel that we've come a long way from that spot across the living room.

We are often in a place of realizing that we need to take our own advice, and that is a great thing. Not often does this involve disobedience, just the casual forgetting of things we said we valued, that become habits. Praying together before bed. Reading the Bible together. Prioritizing time away from the kids. These things are so foundational for a married couple who loves Jesus, but are easy to let slide, especially once kids come along. So this weekend, we're taking our own advice. Fittingly, leaving town to celebrate the marriage of one of the couples we've counselled. Full circle, can't wait.

Our dear friends (who already have three kids of their own!) have volunteered to watch our three for the whole weekend. I know, I can't believe it either! We'll be away for two nights, one night will be the wedding, and the other will just be for us. We have both spent time away from the kids separately, but it's been almost TWO YEARS since we got away for more than a few hours as a couple. It's time!

While I have your attention on the topic of marriage, I've been looking for an excuse to share this cool video and this seems as good a time as any. The video features a young engaged couple who are made up by makeup artists to look 50, 70, and 90. You know, just to make sure they still want to marry this person when they start to decay! It's MTV, but it's incredibly touching and not at all shallow.



*If you're interested in resources, we are currently using the book When Sinners Say I Do by Dave Harvey and strongly recommend The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy and Kathy Keller.

a case for travelling without your kids

This post is a followup from a post I wrote earlier this month on travelling with your kids. As always, there are two sides to every coin and I think both options are pretty great (for different reasons).

Some people are surprised that we put a high value on time away from our kids. Brad and I aim to get some time away once a year. Whether it be for a weekend, a week, or two weeks, we find time away from our kids is beneficial for our marriage and worth leaving the kids.

Prioritizing Marriage

Parenting little ones is a lot of work for any family. When they're as close in age as ours, there's no real break. As soon as the older one hit a stride that felt manageable, I was doubled over sick with my next pregnancy. And repeat. And now that I'm approaching two years with no pregnancies, we're just finishing potty training one and preparing to potty train another soon. These years are beautiful, but they're also a blur. And it's easy for your marriage to become bottom priority.

I've heard it said that the best gift a parent can give their children is a loving marriage, and I completely agree. Growing up, I was blessed to have parents who genuinely liked each other as much as they loved each other. We never worried about mom and dad and always felt secure in their commitment to each other. I believe taking time away to be together, just the two of you, sets the example for your children that mom and dad love each other and have a secure marriage.

Paris, France 2013 (our third babymoon)

What about the kids?

One concern many people have with couples traveling without their kids is that the children will feel unloved or insecure without mom and dad. I've heard it called selfish that parents would dare take a vacation without including their children.

It all comes down to priorities. If your children are your number one priority, above all other relationships and all other things, then yes, you might say it is wrong to do something without them. For us, our marriage comes first. We're not afraid to show our kids that they're not the most important relationship we have, we think it's healthy for them! There's a reason that so many people divorce as soon as their kids are out of the house. For all those years the kids were the overwhelming priority at the expense of the marriage, and once the kids are gone, what's left of the marriage?

Many couples cultivate strong marriage bonds without traveling alone, and I completely respect that. Other couples can't leave their children for any length of time because reliable childcare isn't available. We've had some years where we're able to leave our kids and others where we're not, but if at all possible, it's a high priority.

This may not be for every family, or for every season. I have a friend who highly values time alone with her husband, like us, but because she's still breastfeeding it's not possible to get away. None of our parents are retired and the majority aren't local, so it's hard arranging childcare for over nights. Thankfully we have other friends in a similar boat here in Montreal, so we've decided to swap taking each others kids so each couple can get a weekend away from time to time. This May, Brad is doing a marriage in Quebec City so we're making a weekend out of it and our dear friends are watching our three kids on top of their own three! We are eager to return the favour, and excited for them to get a special time away, too.

Babymoons

Babymoons - or vacations before a baby comes into your family - are a relatively new thing, I think. Kind of like the concept of push presents and gender reveal parties, they're another way to celebrate pregnancy and new life. I should note I've never received a push present nor had a gender reveal party, but I'm not against either concept within reason. But babymoons, which have the added benefit of leaving a couple more rested and prepared for a new baby, I'm 100% for.

When I was pregnant with our first, we happened to be in North Africa on a missions trip for two months. Not the best experience while 25-31 weeks pregnant, but go with it. En route home from North Africa our plane had a stop over in France. Bonjour, all the pastries for my growing bébé! We did what we often do to procure a free vacation and delayed our return flight. Our initial flight (including Paris-Montreal homeward) was already paid for, so we got a bonus week in France.

Let me tell you after the six weeks in North Africa it was a dream. I was also six weeks more pregnant than when we started our voyage, so a babymoon was more appreciated than ever. The trip served the dual purposes of relaxation and taking advantage of our final weeks as a young couple without children. Eating out, late night walks, looking back it was complete freedom! It was also a time, set apart from work or normal life, to dream of, talk about, pray for, and mentally prepare for our upcoming arrival. In all, I highly recommend it!

But what about after your first bébé? Should a couple continue with this practice, if possible, when they have other children at home? Absolutely! Freedom and finances were much more restricting when we were preparing for our second arrival, just one year later, so we opted for a three day trip to Chicago for The Gospel Coalition Conference. It didn't matter as much where or for how long, but that we were getting away to reconnect as a couple, before a big change ahead. 

Having a baby is an enormous strain on a couple. The joys far outweigh the challenges, but it's naïve to go at it unprepared. Babymoons have helped us head into a difficult season rested and prepared and as a united front. 

Travelling alone

This year we aren't able to travel without the kids for a couple reasons, so we've planned a family trip. Because both Brad and I are in the home (him working from home and me staying home) with our kids constantly, the time away to recharge is still needed. We've decided that in years where we can't figure out childcare for the kids, each of us will take a little time away. We have lined this time up with conferences, so we're not just resting but also being fed spiritually during this time. 

A few weeks ago, I was in Orlando alllllllllll by myself for four days. Two days were spent at the Gospel Coalition Conference, and the other two were spent reading by the pool. I don't feel badly saying I didn't miss the kids once! I came home completely recharged and ready to parent intentionally and faithfully. Last week Brad was at the Acts 29 Europe church planting conference in England and also tacked on some days at the end for personal travel. Each of us is so glad to send the other off. We know that time is important and it's worth it seeing your partner come home so refreshed and ready to dive in to our high capacity lifestyle.

Have you ever traveled without your kids?

Or even without your partner? 

on being a pastor's wife

Before finding myself holding the title, I knew very little of what it was to be a pastor's wife. For that I'm extremely grateful.

I'm told that women feel all sorts of pressure as pastor's wives. That there are expectations on them that can be crushing, that they're lonely, that they over-serve and feel under-appreciated. At least that's what every book penned for pastor's wives tells me. And that's obviously true for many, but it's really really not a guarantee and it's not been my experience at all.

The pastor's wives in my short history of church experience were a mixed bag.

At the first church I went to after becoming a Christian, she was white haired and sweet and sang in the choir. She wasn't very visible but it was impressed upon me, I think quite naturally, that she loved her husband and she loved the church. Definitely some good takeaways, some inapplicable (please the white hair).

The next two churches I went to were what you might call "mega churches" (in Canada, this meant 1,000 and 3,000 people respectively), and I had extremely limited exchanges with the pastor's wives. There were so many people, you had to basically be in her inner circle to know her. Her virtuous character was widely known, and she seemed wonderful, but she was completely inaccessible. I'm not sure if this was intentional, but none of them had facebook pages or instagram accounts. Privacy is valuable, but it felt like a little much. And some people do insist that a pastor's wife can't have close friendships within her church, and that the privacy of the pastor and his family should be paramount. But we aren't those people and I don't think the early church was either. More on that another day.

And finally, the last church we attended (where we were members and where Brad served as an Elder), had no pastor's wife, as our pastor was single.

So. Here I am. Two years in to our church plant, and I suppose two years in to being a pastor's wife. With very little to compare my experience to, and a resounding joy.

I accredit a lot of my ease and joy as a pastor's wife to my husband, who made it clear from day one that the church plant wasn't his thing that I was to support him in, it was our thing and we were a team, and he loved having me at his side. See the difference? It's subtle, but huge. The church plant was our dream, our calling, and our passion. Together we welcomed a handful of people into our living room one evening to dream, and together we now call Eglise du Plateau our church, along with 100 or so others.

In a church plant, you have the luxury of creating traditions and beginning the culture within your church. Of course with every new soul that joins us, that culture grows and moves, but the standards are set at the beginning. In the beginning of our church plant I was newly pregnant with our third baby, and my capacity was limited. So we went with it. I couldn't attend everything I'd like, and after 10pm my brain would become more or less mush so I wasn't as vocal (darn you, second language for always failing me after 10pm). And that was the standard. So as my capacity has grown in the last year now that I'm out of the pregnancy/new born stage, I've loved taking more on and our people seem to love having me around more (at least I hope so!). But I've never felt that I needed to be at every event or that I had to be home with my kids. I did what I could as my capacity allowed, always trying to be faithful to my dual callings to motherhood and church ministry.

As far as other stereotypes like the pastor's wife always leading the children's ministry or worship team, that pressure has never been there. Maybe because I can't sing a tune or play a chord? Thank you Jesus for failing to bless me with musical talent. And at the start, our church's Sunday school was essentially my three kids and another family, so it was glaringly obvious that I shouldn't be leading children's ministry, nor did I want to.

And then there's language. I wish there were more resources out there for pastor's wives and church planter's who serve cross-culturally, because for us that's one of the most significant hurdles. Our church is French and I'm not yet bilingual. While mostly my lack of fluency is a problem, I often see it as a small grace from God, as it's protected me over and over again from experiencing the pastor's wife burn out I read about. I'm not expected to lead a women's devotional, to do announcements, or teach Sunday school, because I'm not fluent in the language of our church. It's plain and simple. And while French fluency is my top personal goal, my lack of it has sheltered me from any expectations that might have been crushing.

One thing I wish I read more in books or blog posts written for pastor's wives is what a great joy it is to be married to a pastor. It's seriously wonderful. I get a front row seat to Jesus transforming people's lives. I get to see God providing my husband with the words to say when he's doing sermon preparation and I'm praying for him. I get to walk through pre-marital counseling with young couples from our church, some of whom I've been praying for spouses for, for many years (a privilege which often brings me to tears). I get to attend a ton of weddings and a ton of baby showers, and hi, I love a good party. I get to raise my children in a community of people who are thankful for them and love them and are so often seeking to serve our family.

I get e-mails somewhat regularly asking about my experience as a church planter's wife/ pastor's wife/ anglophone serving in a French church and while there is more to say and nuances to each role, it's really truly a joy. A great and profound joy.

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*If every you would like me to address specific parts of being a pastor's wife/church planter's wife on this blog, feel free to e-mail me your question and I'll try my best to answer it! emily.terreberry@gmail.com