"I'm going to be a strict parent and will likely spank my children on proper occasions as discipline"
"I'd never use formula! Breast is BEST!"
"I refuse to be the kind of parent who makes meals for each individual kid. We'll all eat the same meal, together. Period."
I think we all had that list in our heads of how we'd parent, at least to a certain degree, before we actually became parents. Or maybe you aren't yet a parent, so your list is still goin' strong. Either way, I just have to laugh at some of the ways I've derailed so far from my original plans! Of course, it can be guilt-inducing if you let it, but grace abounds in parenthood, and if you're not letting it, you've GOT to.
The above quotes were definitely uttered from my lips on more than one occasion before I had children. And likely while I had children, but wasn't in the stage where they became important yet.
For example, I was still adamantly against formula when Lily was a month old, and had never used any. After a month though, she was STILL below birth weight, and I had to reconsider what was more important: my conviction that breast was "best" and formula was terrible, or the hard facts that Lily wasn't getting enough to eat from me alone. In the end the decision wasn't easy but it was simple: she needed formula, and my plans had to change. Feel free to read the emotional roller coaster of a journey here :)
Same went with discipline. Since it's highly discouraged that parent's spank before age two, we didn't think too much about it when Lily was a baby. We always thought we would spank, as well as use other forms of discipline, but quickly learned that not only could we not if we wanted to adopt (a rule if you're adopting through Foster Care within Canada, which we hope to do), but it didn't fit our parenting style + philosophy. To date, we exclusively use time outs, and loss of privileges as discipline, and are strong advocates for both. They're working so well for us that we couldn't imagine spanking now!* You can read more about our journey to this form of discipline here and here.
And meals. Oh meals. It seems mealtime is an ever-evolving thing at our house. Partly because what they can eat is always changing in the early months and years, as well as bedtimes changing and their schedules. There was definitely a time where we'd all sit down to dinner around 5:30 and Lily would eat with Brad and I. Those days are long gone! Our kids go to bed quite early, and get hungry for dinner at 4:30pm. Which is hours before Brad and I are hungry for a proper dinner, and also far too early in the day for me to put a complete family meal on the table. So, we improvise. The kids still eat meals that we would (often leftovers from our dinner the night before), but they don't eat with Brad and I. And there are a lot of evenings where they eat a simple meal: pasta, cheese cubes, some steamed veggies, eggs, etc, that doesn't resemble Brad and my dinner in the slightest. The bottom line for us was we wanted to enjoy a nice dinner, when we were hungry, and 4:30pm with the kids just didn't work. Something I swore I'd never do (create two separate meals! have us eating apart!), but something I'm not willing to change today.
Once you become a parent, the game changes. You learn that quite early on (ask most moms if they ended up following their Birth Plan to the tee!), but it's still a process every day as new things come up and we tackle issues and seasons and problems as we go. I think at one time this would have discouraged me - so much is out of our control! - but knowing that God is still the author of our family's story and that his grace is sufficient paves the road of chaos.
I'd love to hear what things you swore you'd never do before becoming a parent! Tell me I'm not the only one whose plans went awry :)
"I'd never use formula! Breast is BEST!"
"I refuse to be the kind of parent who makes meals for each individual kid. We'll all eat the same meal, together. Period."
I think we all had that list in our heads of how we'd parent, at least to a certain degree, before we actually became parents. Or maybe you aren't yet a parent, so your list is still goin' strong. Either way, I just have to laugh at some of the ways I've derailed so far from my original plans! Of course, it can be guilt-inducing if you let it, but grace abounds in parenthood, and if you're not letting it, you've GOT to.
The above quotes were definitely uttered from my lips on more than one occasion before I had children. And likely while I had children, but wasn't in the stage where they became important yet.
For example, I was still adamantly against formula when Lily was a month old, and had never used any. After a month though, she was STILL below birth weight, and I had to reconsider what was more important: my conviction that breast was "best" and formula was terrible, or the hard facts that Lily wasn't getting enough to eat from me alone. In the end the decision wasn't easy but it was simple: she needed formula, and my plans had to change. Feel free to read the emotional roller coaster of a journey here :)
Same went with discipline. Since it's highly discouraged that parent's spank before age two, we didn't think too much about it when Lily was a baby. We always thought we would spank, as well as use other forms of discipline, but quickly learned that not only could we not if we wanted to adopt (a rule if you're adopting through Foster Care within Canada, which we hope to do), but it didn't fit our parenting style + philosophy. To date, we exclusively use time outs, and loss of privileges as discipline, and are strong advocates for both. They're working so well for us that we couldn't imagine spanking now!* You can read more about our journey to this form of discipline here and here.
And meals. Oh meals. It seems mealtime is an ever-evolving thing at our house. Partly because what they can eat is always changing in the early months and years, as well as bedtimes changing and their schedules. There was definitely a time where we'd all sit down to dinner around 5:30 and Lily would eat with Brad and I. Those days are long gone! Our kids go to bed quite early, and get hungry for dinner at 4:30pm. Which is hours before Brad and I are hungry for a proper dinner, and also far too early in the day for me to put a complete family meal on the table. So, we improvise. The kids still eat meals that we would (often leftovers from our dinner the night before), but they don't eat with Brad and I. And there are a lot of evenings where they eat a simple meal: pasta, cheese cubes, some steamed veggies, eggs, etc, that doesn't resemble Brad and my dinner in the slightest. The bottom line for us was we wanted to enjoy a nice dinner, when we were hungry, and 4:30pm with the kids just didn't work. Something I swore I'd never do (create two separate meals! have us eating apart!), but something I'm not willing to change today.
Once you become a parent, the game changes. You learn that quite early on (ask most moms if they ended up following their Birth Plan to the tee!), but it's still a process every day as new things come up and we tackle issues and seasons and problems as we go. I think at one time this would have discouraged me - so much is out of our control! - but knowing that God is still the author of our family's story and that his grace is sufficient paves the road of chaos.
I'd love to hear what things you swore you'd never do before becoming a parent! Tell me I'm not the only one whose plans went awry :)
*if you do spank, please don't read this
as a judgement against it. It's just not how
we discipline, and we've seen a lot of
success without it. That said, we're not
anti-spanking :)
I love this:
ReplyDelete"I think at one time this would have discouraged me - so much is out of our control! - but knowing that God is still the author of our family's story and that his grace is sufficient paves the road of chaos."
I needed to hear that today. Thanks for a great post Em!
PS-I'm slowly realizing that the more flexible I am (such as with what I think my life should look like) the more I'm able to enjoy the "now".
-Margie
"Of course, it can be guilt-inducing if you let it, but grace abounds in parenthood, and if you're not letting it, you've GOT to."
ReplyDeleteSuch great truth, Em! Very well said!
I can totally relate, before I was a parent, I would look at other kids and decide I don't want that behaviour when I have own kind of thoughts.
ReplyDelete"I don't want any interventions when I give birth."
"I will never let my kid walk around when they eat."
Thanks for sharing, this is really good reflection. I am often humbled when things are not in my control, and that's the beauty of his grace in our lives.